21 Questions

“No one honest has an easy life, and it’s aching for one that causes the most pain.”

James Kidd, Assassins Creed

I recently wrote about the second best question I’ve ever been asked. This has begged another question for a few people, “so what’s the first best, then?”

Well. It went something like this.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe there could be someone out there who wants to love you long enough to understand you?”

Him.

To this day that is the best question anyone has ever asked me. Reason being, it is still a question that exists in my head without a good answer. I really had to think about one.

And I’ve spent a lot of time and energy seeking answers. Questioning why. Wondering how. Asking what next and then cursing the universe when I came out empty-handed.

Maybe it comes down to the possibility that as soon as they love me long enough, that’ll be where it ends.

I grew up with the understanding that love can be a conditional thing, mostly because of the relationship I had with my dad. With that in mind, it makes sense why I’ve carried some of that same fear into new relationships.

One of the most common trauma responses is to resist things that come our way because we feel like we don’t deserve them. Like we haven’t earned that level of goodness. The rug could be pulled out from under us any minute now…

So maybe it’s true that we are hardwired as humans to give and receive love. But it also appears that some of us are hardwired to resist the things that are good for us.

We get skittish when things start feeling too good to be true and putting a guard up seems like the only surefire way to protect our hearts and walk away unscathed.

I think the reality is, though, that in the time we spend trying to keep ourselves unscathed, we lose out on so many chances to live fully and love relentlessly.

Anyway.

All this to say, I still don’t have an answer to that first best question, and I may spend the rest of my days on earth trying to figure it out.

But I do know one of the biggest favors you can do yourself in this life, is to let yourself be loved.

And maybe it’s easier said than done because of all the questions that can get in the way.

But there are moments in time when it’s best to just stop asking. Find still. Settle there. Because when it comes to another person’s love, all you have to do is embrace it.

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