21 Questions

“No one honest has an easy life, and it’s aching for one that causes the most pain.”

James Kidd, Assassins Creed

I recently wrote about the second best question I’ve ever been asked. This has begged another question for a few people, “so what’s the first best, then?”

Well. It goes like this:

“Why is it so hard for you to believe there could be someone out there who wants to love you long enough to understand you?”

Him.

To this day that is the best question anyone has ever asked me. Reason being, it is still a question that exists in my head without a good answer. I really had to think about it.

And I’ve spent a lot of time and energy seeking answers. Questioning why. Wondering how. Asking what next and then cursing the universe when I came out empty-handed.

Maybe it comes down to the fear and possibility that as soon as someone is able to love me long enough to understand me, that’s where it ends.

I grew up thinking love was a conditional thing large in part due to the relationship I had with my father. As a result, I think I still have an fear of abandonment when it comes to my interpersonal relationships.

One of the most common trauma responses is to resist things that come our way because we feel like we don’t deserve them. Like we haven’t earned that level of goodness. The rug will be pulled out from under us any minute now..

It is a common sensation felt by people with anxiety. I am not alone in this boat and these kinds of attachment issues are not a blessing nor a curse unique to me.

But, I guess in my case, love is a great example where they can really become a nuisance.

While we are hardwired as humans to give and receive love, some of us are also hardwired to resist the things that are good for us.

We get skittish when things start feeling too good to be true.

I still don’t have an answer to that first best question, and I may spend the rest of my days on earth trying to figure it out.

But I do know one of the biggest favors you can do yourself in this life, is to let yourself be loved.

And maybe it’s easier said than done because of all the questions that can get in the way.

But there are moments in time when it’s best to just stop asking. Find still. Settle there. Because when it comes to another person’s love, all you have to do is allow it.

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